Dreams. When I was a little girl I used to have really scary nightmares and my parents would come in and talk to me or sing to me until I fell back asleep. I always remembered these dreams. For days I would be scared of things because I remembered that dream. However, I never remembered my good dreams. When I was younger, I used to tell people that I didn’t have dreams. They used to all be amazed that I didn’t have dreams. Just for clarification, I wasn’t lying to them because I classified dreams and nightmares in two different categories as a child. As I grew up, I began to start remembering my dreams. The good and the bad. Recently I have been dreaming a lot. I have been playing situations in my head and giving them different scenarios. I think that I do this because it helps me to face the unknown. It helps me for when I come to a scenario I feel like I will be more prepared even if it doesn’t turn out like my dream did.
Tears. When I was younger and when most people are younger they cry over many different things. A scraped knee, a broken toy, a parent going to the grocery store. I remember that I used to cry a lot as a child. I was always the type of kid that wasn’t afraid to cry. I wasn’t afraid to let people really know how I was feeling. I really believe that most children are this way. As I grew up, however, I became more guarded. I still cried because it was a reaction, but it wasn’t nearly as much and when I did I would/ will never tell people why. I used to pretend it was allergies (word to the wise…most people don’t believe this). I feel as many people do sometimes that I need a “good cry”. Recently I haven’t been able to cry. I haven’t been able to externally express how I’m feeling inwardly. I envy children and the time when I was a child and that they can do this.
Trust. Children trust everyone. As the child I babysit screams at me that he doesn’t want me to talk to him he holds tight to my shoulder as he cries. As the little girls in my children’s choir sing on that stage and tell me they are so confident, the look to where I am standing to watch me for the moves. Children trust unknowingly. What children do is an impulse, a gut reaction. What most adults do (me included) is calculated, planned, and methodical. I’ve learned within the past day that sometimes it may be good to get out of your comfort zone and trust because just keeping to yourself may hurt you more.
Religion. I’ve been thinking a lot about religion lately. About how as children we believe what we are taught to believe, but as we grow up we are expected to make the choice on our own. I’ve struggled a lot with religion in the past and in the present and I’m sure I will in the future. I’ve questioned what I’ve been taught and I’ve struggled to figure out whose opinion and ideas are right. I’ve worried that I’m not worthy or not good enough for God. I’ve thought and I’ve decided things and made religious choices for myself. Overall though, I’ve learned, I’ve grown, and I’ve been challenged and won.
Wrap-up. So this isn’t your typical blog post. I am well aware of that. This also doesn’t exactly talk about my recent kid experiences and I’m aware of that too. I plan on posting another blog within the next day to detail them. I felt, however, that these things and these thoughts were important to share. I felt that for some reason I needed to write them. They may not be direct lessons that I’ve learned from the children I’ve been working with, but they are lessons from my childhood and they are important. I have a lot of thoughts swimming in my head right now and at times I really think that it’s easier to just ignore them. That’s why I wrote this, because I’ve realized that what’s easier isn’t always what’s better. So, look for a more conventional blog post tomorrow, but for tonight this is what I wanted to say.
-Shannon
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